"a little snippets of me in every entry"
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Menghapuskan Jejakmu
posted on Monday, August 04, 2008 @ 12:31 PM | permalink
Menghapuskan Jejakmu / Peterpan "Engkau bukanlah segalaku, Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku. Sesudah semua berlalu, Biar hujan menghapuskan jejakmu." Someone who i taught was really dear has said goodbye. Where do i start, how shall i say? Things are complex and its easier to delete it all, just like the computer. Yes, he left reason being i'm too 'nice', deserve better, that kinda stuff. I know i'm not all nice sometimes. Everyone deserves that other person in any form if they're connected to each other by something call love. Thats why they're call the better half. You're tired? And you think i'm not? The picture gets clearer as the day goes by. Like i said, i dont know if i should thank you or hate you for whatever that was said that day. What was said to her, me. You wanted me to save my friendship with Wahedah didnt you? You wanted me to be at ease so that i'm not gonna have to be worried if i'm gonna be the next Erica. You felt like i didnt care cause Wahedah's my priority? The way you said it, you dont know her, i do. She wouldnt listen to anyone. The words, the frustrations, the confusion are all mixed in one. It might not hurt your feelings, but it might hurt someone else's too. I didnt ask you for much. Commitment? Since when did i said i want you to see my parents, demand you to pay for my stuff, threaten you when you cant go out with me. Prank calls? I've got better things to do than that. I was merely standing up for myself, my right. To think of it, yeah its easier for you to hate me by thinking i did those. Useless? You're never useless, that word is just stuck in your head. I know you've got your own stuff in your head. I tried my best to give you support. All i ever wanted was a genuiene heart from you and thats all i could ever asked for. It puzzles me that you just gave something really special on my birthday and the sweetest birthday card and then you threw me away on my birthday month. Its not fair. All that i wanted to know is why? I need to know more than 'nice'. Cause i can sense that's just an excuse. Whyyy? Is it someone else? Her? Them? Pressurised? All in the name of getting mad? We both know we're not perfect and you dont have to be perfect to feel loved. I am down. I am sad. I am at lost. I needed people to support me. I needed encouragement. I am still feeling low of myself. Mum knows i'm dealing with a massive heartbreak and she give me space to forget it all. I tried so hard to get answers. All my little Janna's dream guy list, i somehow saw that in him. I thought we could be happy. I thought.... sooo many great things we have yet to discover. He's the first guy i baked cakes for. He's the first; sooo many. I am still really down but talking to different people somehow cheered me up a little. I coulnt sleep at night just thinking of sooo many stuff in my head. Buttttt. When i went out that saturday. I watched the fireworks blew up in the blue sky by the river. The many beautiful colours that surrounded the area. The loud bangs that each fireworks gave off. The remarkable feeling i get when i saw it blooming and exploding just above my head. I forgot that i was feeling down at that moment. I felt like God was trying to tell me something. I gave off the most brightest smile to the people around who glanced at me. Everyone was applaudding, the atmosphere was delighting. I felt like everything was wookey even though i didnt get my doubts answered i know i've tried my best. That made me realised i was and still afterall am that cheery, bubbly, loud girl somehow in me cause that is what makes me, me. I know i am strong, i know i shouldnt cry. For a moment after that, i head to the Singapore River. That place filled with my many memories and dreams. I sat, looking at the tranquil river, the cold breeze blowing at my face and my hair, i know its the beginning of a new journey. I wana make more friends that share alot more from music to feelings to shopping. I wana go out and tire myself. I dont wana keep it all bottled up inside. I dont wana hold grudges. But most of all, i have something in mind for my own future. Even if it takes me sooo much money to save to get a degree overseas, why not. And so the story ends. Or maybe let the time tel. People say guys who dont argue back is one guy that feel guilty for his wrong doings. Maybe he is. Maybe he's not. Only God knows. This is all for now, i'll be off gone for quite sometime. Here's to an ending of a greater meaning. Maybe someday i'll amend changes to my Dream Guy list, dont worry. I'll be okay. JaNnA 040808 "I'll tell you flat out, It hurts so much to think of this. So from my thoughts i will exclude. The very thing that, I hate more than everything is, The way i'm powerless, To dictate my moods. I've thrown away, So many things that could've been much more. And i just pray, My problems go away if they're ignored. But its not the way it works. No its not the way it works. When i go down. I go down hard. And i take everything i've learned, And teach myself some disregard. When i go down, It hurts to hit the bottom. And of the things that got me there. I think, if only i had fought them." Relient K, When I Go Down
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