"a little snippets of me in every entry"
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Let this feeling go away after today kay?
posted on Thursday, June 24, 2010 @ 9:53 PM | permalink
 Dear Journal, I know I've never written this way before, so bare with me. Today i feel so lost, lousy, uncertain of myself, scared all in one. Its been a bad week since the accident last Thursday took place. I felt bad about it but at the same time i know i couldn't have prevented it. It just happened and in this case, it turned out pretty bad. This girl first fell, she was actually alright. She climbed from the side of the foam when she's not supposed to. Teacher said she was clumsy, so i noted. Then next class, this boy fell on the side and he bleed his nose. I was doing rolls so i couldn't save him on time. The person manning the foams, was let's just call her N. N told me it was most probably the little monsters behind her was pushing the foam and she was telling them not to. The boy lose his balance and fell, accidentally. We both never meant for it to happen. There were so much commotion, i was mostly questioned of my 'leadership'. They said, why didn't i change the person manning the foams after the first fell? What was done after the first fell? Who treated the little monster? Why did i looked like i was dazed and i wasn't paying attention to the kid? No class management? Why no wiping? Ultimately why wasn't i a first aider? Why wasn't i certified as a qualified trainer? So much things they would say. So much things they would finger point at me. How do i change the person manning the foam when i know that N was better than the two. She is firm and vocal. This other girl was feeling sick that day. This other guy is very careless. Did i make the wrong choice? I don't think i did but i know i try to provide the best. Why do i looked dazed cause i was always looking at what the 2 of them were doing to make sure the kids weren't hurt. When he fell, i put him on my lap and see what was wrong. I listened to the teacher and he was on me at all times. I was worried too. Its bloody! Who isn't afraid? Saying that i wasn't good in class management feels like they are saying that i can't manage my life well. Big shot sent me emails. I read it. It hurt my feelings. The whole thing is like a slap on my face. Makes me feel even lousier about myself. It was bad. And so today i was swapped to another school. When the other one came back, i was shocked. She was back early. She said the school did not let them in and most probably they want to terminate the contract. I wasn't that shocked but the worst of all, i was expecting myself being terminated or some sort. I had a good talk with the other one, about my doings in classes, why wasn't i firm enough and things like that. I was close to tears and i teared and laugh at myself. She knows how to stop me from humiliating myself in public, she knows me too well. I wasn't going to be terminated as dramatic as it seems. She's gonna change the management and I'm gonna have to be under her since i don't have any qualified cert and first aid. It feels like they lose trust in me but she assure me it isn't, it all boils down to those two things. I'm gonna have to go for the 2 day major training at the headquarters and i am sure they are gonna humiliate me to the core. Tsk, as if today wasn't enough... By the time i got home, i couldn't take it any longer. Took a shower and cried really bad. Its the worst feeling ever. Even worst than the breakup i had. I have many people expecting things and are angry with me in a way or another. But she told me its a learning experience. It may feel sucky when people try to bring you down so much but you mustn't let them. Instead prove it to them that i am not what they think i am, I've got brains and i can overcome obstacles. I told big shot once that i am not a quitter cause i know quitter never wins. I know somewhere in him, he believes in me and i am gonna keep doing what I'm doing as long as someone believes in me. She told me sometimes there is a point in our life that we need people who bring us down too, so we can be stronger than before. Stronger than ever. I believe what she said makes sense cause she went through this before. And i am not letting her down. All these feeling lousy made me think of so much things. Like education. I have yet to receive my offer letter after applying it online last week. Mum was right, should have just go straight to the school. I am worried about how long do i want to continue with this job and how am i gonna advance into another better job. I guess quitting now is not the option, its like why stop baking when it still needs time in the oven? Wait till its nicely done so you can enjoy the outcome with everyone. It got me thinking why am i enjoying talking to someone who is so far away? Am i crazy? Is this a crush? Mind you, i send him a book about Singapore all the way to Canada. We talk everyday and i enjoy it, really. He sends me videos of him, we exchange pictures, numbers, he isn't pushy and its been a couple of months now. Sometimes its hard to throw something away that doesn't makes sense just like that when you know its something that you've ever wanted. I didn't plan it, he just came along with a HI. Like i said, if it happens, it'll happens. If not, buat bodoh sudahlah. Heh! Certainly i feel better just writing this down over here. I know people don't bother, but what the heck! I hope tomorrow will be a less lousy day at work. I am looking forward to Saturday cause i am planning to watch Toy Story 3 in 3D on my own and get a bag pack for work, maybe a new slipper as well to shun away the bad fengshui. Lol! I wanna have my favorite fried chicken u-mian at food culture. See, just thinking of it makes me smile! Lol! Sometimes being on your own, just thinking about things, observing people around you do wonders. So wish me loads of luck cause i know i will need it. Its so easy to say be strong but doing it is hard. I'll overcome this, hopefully. At times like this, i wish i could borrow a shoulder to cry on. I mean, mama would totally tel me i am crazy if i cry like a baby under her ketiak! LOL! Here's a little motivation for a new start by: Mary Kay Ash "If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.". You can do this JANNA \m/
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