"a little snippets of me in every entry"
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Nice to see you again and then a long rant!
posted on Sunday, July 15, 2012 @ 2:08 AM | permalink
 
Hello my blog Hello, its nice to see you again....
Honestly i havent had the courage to blog, there wasn't time for me to, i am not ready to open up things about myself, to face uncertainties and judgements and mean things people can say and the whole load of excess load that comes with it. Hence the long hiatus. I miss letting out my thoughts and get my brain thinking.... Its like i'm back in school writting compositions. Finally decide to make an ultimate come back today, July 2012. And you know what happens in July...... Its my special day (:
I am a year older now. I do hope i do get wiser. I hope i do get better with experience. I do hope i am braver and tougher than before. I do plan to start saving for the old age though my spending ethics is a bit off. I am planning to travel around and discover new things though i think starting with Asia is a better choice. Most of all i am trying and constantly trying to EXERCISE; its a lifetime goal to achieve my desired body shape. I am not asking to look like Kim Kardashian or skinny Lindsay Lohan but i must say Beyonce has got the curves in all the right places. Like what they say don't talk only then no action. Yes yes i know, am working on it. Hmm... How's everything i hear you ask? Well..........
Work.
All is well. Though sometimes far from well othertimes least furtherest from well. I would say its the same thing over and over again. Staff comes. The good staff leaves. Staff MIA cause no guts to stay. Staff too proud. Staff is not up to the job requirement but we employ them cause we need the numbers anyway. Trainning is a chore. Other licensee people too snobby and bossy. This thing we do is wrong. That thing we do is not according to the licensee's standard. No class management. Kids being rowdy all the time. Infants can't stop crying. Money always matters, cannot give free trial to any kids any how. You know those kinda things. Honestly i am looking for something new.
This is my 3rd year here, my 2nd year as a full timer and i just feel like i am stuck in this job. Stuck. Like i can't go anywhere else. I do not want to think that i am going to be stuck for life in this job. I mean i like the kids, i like the mon - friday job, i like the flexibility hours but i feel so wasteful cause i learn something else but took something else as a job. I feel like i have wasted money taking diploma and advanced diploma in Mass Communications cause i did'nt really put it into good use. Some ask me when am i gonna take my degree. I thought of that too but if i am going to be stuck here, why waste money on the degree if i am not doing advertising, public relations, media in the first place? What do i really want? Can i be a pre-school teacher with this experience? Why am i wasting my time? Why am i here? Do i really deserve better prospects elsewhere? But i do interviews and that is a part of my module in school but at this point i feel like these interviews task is like stringing me down onto this job. Gosh do i sound depressed? Or really... Am i just getting bored of my work? Or its not the work its the people that are trying to make me feel bad about what i've been doing so they make me feel tied down? Yes it is a lot of things.
Love.
I choose to love her. I choose to stick with her. I choose to be this way. With what i choose i know that there are certain things that will be lost. Lost even forever. I know people are going to judge. I know friends will go away if they can't accept me this way. I know people are saying its wrong, its the religion, it is not right, this is not nature cause. But what people don't know is that i am happy. I am happier with Has than the past relationships. Has keeps me happy everyday although of cause there are some occassions when what you want is not on your side. Yes ST in my entries refers to Has. She's my Sweet Temptation. Don't laugh she's my Babycakes. I am not the typical Baby Sugar Sweetheart Darling kinda person i like cute names........ To be different. Heeh! As of today it marks our 1 year 7 months and a week more for the 8th month. Has would say countless of times our relationship isn't that long nor is it that short so its the middle. But i know secretly ST knows its for the long run *winks*
I accept ST for being who she is genuienly. I am confortable in my skin with her. I am not afraid to be myself. I don't call her boy and honestly i do not like when people call her boy cause really she isn't. And she knows she is not. I would not want ST to even go for sex change and i know she won't cause really i like the way she is. I know it can be hard for the girl in the relationship to cope with peer pressure, the talkings, the gossips, the laughing stalk in the society... But that only happens if they cannot accept the reality. That is why relationships break. And i am not saying that i didn't ever dutifully keep this relationship tight... There were hard times. Hard times that even i can't manage. Hard times that even i thought i can't endure. Hard times when i feel like sleeping without ever waking up. Hard times when i wanted to give up because of others. Hard times when i wanted to give up because we are two different individuals. I guess i am new to all these gossips and talks and i am slowly learning to let go. I am slowly learning to open up. I am slowly learning to be confident in this relationship. And i know the ride has not been easy Portia De Grassi or famously known as Ellen DeGenerous's wife, has suffered 5 years in the closet feeling bad for herself for being different. I do believe the religion is not that mean. I do believe there is sanity in everyone's heart deep down.. somewhere, somehow.
I know things are not gonna be smooth sailing with ST but i know in ST i have a best friend who always sticks by me, someone to have a good laugh with, a crying shoulder, a listening ear, someone who cares and loves me just as much... though not so love-love nor romantic cause ST is pretty shy, a partner in crime and... my everything... I think. Ehh no i guess. Ehh no it is yes. LOL! ST isn't a bad person and i know she wants the best for me like i want the best for her too. The future may be unpredictable but i know together we are a lot stronger. ST you are my sexy love.
Future.
What do i see myself in the future? I do hope to get the right time to find other experiences elsewhere in other working industry but i do want to leave the company peacefully. I wanna save those kachings and travel and save for a place of my own.. if i am ever brave enough to stay on my hope... I hope i do as i "grow up". I want to overcome the past and be a stronger person and most importantly don't let people bully me any old how!
Timecheck, its past 2am here. I should be sleeping though my tummy's grumbling. No way am i gonna out food in you at this time tummy! You need to lose those extra baggage. Meanwhile, everyone... Have a good Sunday (:
- ME
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